Imagine a Sunday morning, sipping coffee in bed and lost in a good read when your phone buzzes. It's a long text from your best friend detailing her divorced parents' fight. Suddenly, you find yourself in an unexpected role - that of a virtual therapist. This is a common dilemma in our digital age where instant access to each other through phones has become both a blessing and a curse.
Double-Edged Sword of Instant Access
On one hand, having 24/7 access provides a sense of safety and security. We can always know where our contacts are. On the other hand, it has initiated the expectation that others should be available to respond at all times. This has blurred the lines between friends and therapists, especially for those without access to professional help.Problems with Sharing Too Much with Friends
While sharing immediately with friends after a bad event can help access raw thoughts, there are more cons than pros. If we put all the responsibility of our mental health on one person, it can cause pressure and resentment. Friends aren't licensed therapists and may give advice based on their own experiences that may not work for us.For example, think about Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. She thought her friends could help her, but they were as "f*cked up" as she was. A therapist, with their years of education and experience, can identify underlying behavioral patterns and tailor advice specifically to us.Risks of Trauma Bonding and Codependency
Constantly having heavy emotional conversations with a friend can lead to trauma bonding. When they no longer need to talk about their trauma, they may not know how to be with us anymore. It can also create a sense of codependency where one person is always listening and helping, and there's no reciprocity.This can undermine our sense of autonomy and self-efficacy. For instance, if we always rely on friends immediately after a bad event, we might start to wonder what would happen if they weren't there.What to Do When You Need to Rant
First, resist the urge to text friends immediately. Grab a journal and write out what happened, including your thoughts and feelings. This can help you process the experience. Then, bring the notepad to your therapy session or try mind-mapping to discuss your reactions with your therapist.If you decide to text a friend, briefly tell them how you're feeling and see if they're available to listen. Don't put all your eggs in one basket; turn to multiple friends for different types of support.How to Reply When You Get the Text
You don't have to respond right away. Take your time to process the text and think about what to reply. Consider your friendship history and the nature of the problem. If it's a one-time issue, offer support. If it's a pattern, encourage them to seek professional help.For example, if a friend texts about a family conflict once in a while, it's okay to listen. But if they have a new issue every time you see them, suggest they reach out to a therapist.Communicating Boundaries
When you see or call a friend, use "I" statements to communicate your boundaries. Let them know it's hard for you to keep getting long texts and that you feel more is expected than you can give. Mention the frequency if they're not aware.If they don't understand and get angry, don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. You can distance yourself or be firm in setting boundaries. Remember, it's not our place to expect our friends to be our therapists.In conclusion, while we want to support our friends, we also need to take care of ourselves. It's important to recognize the differences between friendship and therapy and communicate our needs and boundaries clearly.