Is Your Partner Gaslighting You? Signs & What to Do

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Gaslighting is a term that has gained significant attention in recent times. It often surfaces in casual online spaces like TikTok and Instagram infographics, leaving many wondering if it's happening to them. The origins of the word "gaslight" date back to a 1944 film, and its impact continues to resonate today.

Unmasking the Deceptive Tactics of Gaslighting

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves making statements or taking actions to make someone question their reality. This behavior is commonly seen in abusive romantic partnerships but can also occur in various relationships, including familial and workplace ones. As mentioned, it's about gaining control and avoiding accountability.

For example, in a romantic relationship, a gaslighter might make their partner question their own memories or perceptions. In a workplace setting, women, especially those of color, are vulnerable to being gaslit by superiors who dismiss their complaints. It's not just about lying; it's a deliberate attempt to confuse and manipulate.

Chandler Chang, a clinical psychologist, explains that gaslighting is a defense strategy used by the gaslighter to protect their ego. Their intention is to make the other person feel bad and avoid facing criticism.

What are some common examples of gaslighting?

1. **Dismissing needs**: In any relationship, it's important for both parties to have their needs met. But a gaslighter will often accuse their partner of being "needy" or "clingy" when they ask for support.

At work, this might show up as a superior denying a raise request even when the employee has proven themselves worthy.

2. **Withholding information**: A gaslighter will pretend not to understand the reason for a conversation or refuse to talk about it, then change the subject.

This tactic is a form of dismissal that leaves the other person feeling unheard.

3. **Denying harm**: When a gaslighter denies hurting someone and refuses to take accountability, it's a clear sign of gaslighting.

They might blame others or make the victim feel like they are the ones at fault.

4. **Forgetting events**: A gaslighter might deny entire events or statements they made just minutes ago, making the other person question their own memory.

This is a way to distort the truth and make the victim doubt themselves.

5. **Weaponizing love**: Gaslighters will use love as a weapon, claiming that their actions are because they love the other person too much.

They might use this to avoid accountability and get the victim to agree to their demands.

6. **Shifting blame**: Gaslighters will often divert the conversation to something the victim has done to shift blame away from themselves.

This can deal a blow to the victim's self-esteem and make them feel like they are always at fault.

7. **Using vulnerabilities**: A gaslighter will find a victim's vulnerability and use it against them to make them feel guilty.

For example, using a person's mental illness medication as a way to invalidate their concerns.

8. **Constant criticism**: By constantly criticizing, a gaslighter shifts blame onto the victim and keeps them in an unhealthy cycle.

The victim's focus becomes getting the gaslighter's approval instead of advocating for themselves.

What are some common phrases gaslighters might use?

"If that's not what happened, then you must be crazy.""They might say, 'I never said that. You're making it up.' ""They'll often use phrases like, 'Are you being overly sensitive? It was just a joke.' ""When confronted, they might respond with, 'If you really loved me, you wouldn't be saying this.' ""They'll also say, 'I'm the only one who stands by you. Everyone else thinks you're crazy.' ""And, 'My only fault is loving you too much.' ""They might use phrases like, 'You're just trying to make me look bad.' "

What do I do if I'm being gaslit?

1. **Consult a friend**: Trust your intuition and talk to a trusted confidant about how you're feeling.

They can validate your experience and help you see the reality of the situation.

2. **Determine safety**: Consider whether it's safe to confront the gaslighter. Confrontation might trigger more gaslighting.

If you do decide to confront, be clear about your goal and remember that you can't make someone understand.

3. **Have a conversation**: If you want to resolve things, find a calm time to discuss the issue with the gaslighter.

Describe specific examples of gaslighting and use "I statements" to express how you feel.

4. **Check-in**: After the conversation, check in with the gaslighter to see how things are progressing.

Agree to work on improving trust and closeness together.

5. **Cut ties if necessary**: If the gaslighter's behavior doesn't change or you feel unsafe, it might be best to end the relationship.

Use a firm statement to express how their behavior has affected you and that you need to move on.

If you're being gaslit, remember that you're not alone. There are resources and hotlines available for professional assistance.

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